Losing people

There are there people in my life who passed away within the last few months, and each time, I never knew the last time I saw them was going to be the last time.

The first one was my dear grandmother. She'd fallen, and she was supposed to be fine. She was going to need rehab, but that wasn't uncommon in older people. I saw her at the hospital, and I told her I'd see her soon, but she suddenly had some major complications which left her brain dead. I saw her before her body's life ended, but she was already gone.

The next person was Carol's husband Walt. I knew he had cancer, but I had no idea it was as bad as it was. I would have liked to have said goodbye. Carol told me he was shouting "Noooo" as he was passing. He didn't want to leave yet.

The most recent person was Paul, Glen's dad. We knew he was on borrowed time, and we didn't know how much longer he had, but I remember the last time I saw him. He seemed fine. Ever since I'd known him, I knew that he had terminal cancer, but you'd just never know it.

I guess I don't know what someone who knows they are dying should look or act like. With Walt and Paul, they both knew but you'd just never know they knew...I don't think they would have done anything differently if they weren't dying.

So while a clear lesson here is that it's so important to value people when you see them, not taking anyone for granted, another lesson is the frailty of life. We are all going to die, and the world is going to keep on going, but what is going to happen to us?

Do we go to heaven? Do some people go to hell? Is there a heaven and hell?

There is a lot of conflicting information on these subjects. Some people will tell you that if you are a good person and do good things, you will go to heaven. I was raised believing that some of the best people on earth, who do the most good, will go to hell...but at the same time, some murderer can just say they are accepting Christ as their savior, and they will make it into heaven. Can that be?

Even the Bible can seem confusing on such an important topic. The theme seems to be, though, that we are all sinners, and God cannot be in the presence of sin. God sent Jesus to earth to pay the ultimate price for our sins, which was death and separation from God. Then he arose from the dead and was eventually reunited with God in heaven, and now if we believe in God, our sins can be forgiven and we can go to heaven.

What does believing in God mean, though? Do we just have to believe that God exists, and is on the right side of things? Other verses also seem to indicate that we have to admit we are sinners and that our sin separates us from God, but if we acknowledge this and accept the gift that Christ gave us by dying on the cross, we can receive the gift of eternal life.

What about the people who die, and who haven't accepted this gift? I like to think that during the tribulation, everyone will have a chance to choose God again. I need to do more research on that...I just can't imagine that God would create a place like hell, and that people would be banished to spend an eternity there over a misunderstanding or a technicality. Maybe my perception of God is off, but I hope not.

I definitely want to do more research, because I have a lot to learn. In the mean time, I will try to remember the frailty of life, and keep the perspective that this life on earth is so short - the decisions we make are very important, and I need to try to focus on the things that matter the most.

Songs selected

I've selected 16 songs for my CD. I need to narrow it down to 12, but that should be easy enough. Darcy convinced me to include a rap track from DC Talk on the end as a funny bonus track. I think it's a funny idea, but I'm going to do it. Why not -it's my CD after all! :) (And I'm totally a rap star.)

These songs really bring me back. I'm going to try to include "His Eye is on the Sparrow" if I can record a version that sounds good. It reminds me of a woman I knew in my church growing up. She met a lot of tragedy in her life. For some reason, those seem to be the people who have found peace (if they can rise above) - the people who have had the most difficult of lives.

I remember being at a funeral of one of her children who had passed away, and somehow she mustered up the courage and strength to sing that song.

Here are the lyrics from http://library.timelesstruths.org/music/His_Eye_Is_on_the_Sparrow/ :

Why should I feel discouraged, why should the shadows come,Why should my heart be lonely, and long for heav’n and home,When Jesus is my portion? My constant Friend is He:His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.
Refrain:I sing because I’m happy, I sing because I’m free,For His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.
“Let not your heart be troubled,” His tender word I hear,And resting on His goodness, I lose my doubts and fears;Though by the path He leadeth, but one step I may see;His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.
Whenever I am tempted, whenever clouds arise,When songs give place to sighing, when hope within me dies,I draw the closer to Him, from care He sets me free;His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

She sang the same song at her husband's funeral too.

This woman had the peace that passes all understanding.

Phil. 4:7 "And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall guard your hearts and your thoughts in Christ Jesus." (ASV)

The Bible often talks about how relying upon God will bring you peace, and how there is no need to worry, and it is so very true.

If we are able to get beyond ourselves, and realize the much greater plan, the things we worry about all seem inconsequential. Even death is nothing to fear if you believe the message in the Bible.

This woman I knew had accepted that...all of that...and she had peace in the most troubling of times...and she shared her peace with those of us who hadn't (and still haven't) quite reached her level of wisdom and understanding, showing us what true peace and faith looks like.

Garbage In, Garbage Out

I used this title to blog about choices of foods I put in my body, and I had to note the importance of the concept as it translates to spiritual health as well. If we are constantly consuming garbage into our hearts, minds and souls, we are just going to produce garbage as well.

Philippians 4:8
Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

It is hard to monitor the amount of garbage we allow into our lives in 2009. There are so many television shows that just focus on the depravity of humanity and expose the underbelly of the world, and they are our hit TV shows in many cases. I used to be addicted to many shows about crime, but I've been moving away from them. I can't believe they are a healthy brain diet for me.

I've stopped watching all 3 CSIs and all 3 Law and Orders, but I still watch Criminal Minds, Numb3rs and the Mentalist. Numb3rs and the Mentalist have a much more positive spin than the others, but they are still based around death, angst and crime. Even in a more innocuous packaging, a duck is still a duck.

Then there's music. I generally listen to upbeat music, but that's not to say I don't get sucked in when Carrie Underwood sings about destroying her unfaithful lover's truck or when an angst ridden rock star hopes to give hell to the woman who left him. Honestly, as I belt out those songs in my car, they don't leave me feeling dark or cynical - they actually feel upbeat to me, but could their overall message be sinking into my psyche? Maybe.

What about the people in our life who prompt us to negativity? There are plenty of those around, and it's just so easy to fall into that trap. Sometimes I'm the one who gossips or starts the negative conversations too. I catch myself, and I know I'm doing something wrong, and I feel bad about myself. I should.

It's so easy for us to spread garbage, but we should really be spreading light and joy. I have tried to spread light and joy in my life, but I know I can do MUCH better. As I mentioned in my Choosing Joy blog, I'm ordering red rubber bracelets with the phrase "Garbage In, Garbage Out" on it. I want it to serve as a reminder to me that if I want to produce light, and joy and healthiness from myself, I need a steady diet of light, joy and health.

More questions than answers

I haven't truly studied the Bible in my adult life. The exception is when I was 19 or 20, and first coming to terms with being gay, and I dove into many books and lots of research that helped me reconcile my spirituality with my sexuality.

Once I began to understand how passages of scripture that were originally intended to teach against pederasty were twisted by people and prejudice to condemn homosexuality, I realized that I could no longer take any of the Bible for granted. I learned more and more about the hand the church has played in extending it's own agenda through translations and interpretations of the Bible over time.

I think that realization really overwhelmed me. At first, I decided I was going to enter a divinity degree program, and I took many steps in that direction, but I ended up switching gears. I lead a Bible study at the time, and I really enjoyed it. I attended a GLBT church in Boston, and that church was critical in my journey to reclaiming my relationship with Christ.

Eventually, what I needed from a church changed, and I realized for my continued growth, I wanted to find a church that was GLBT friendly, but not GLBT driven. That has proven to be quite a challenge, and it's complicated by the fact that I don't really know what I want in a church right now.

I can visit a church and realize what I don't want, but what I want is an entirely different challenge. I think what I would like is a church that has a great music program, that is relevant to today without trying to be like MTV, filled with genuine people who are not there out of obligation or habit, but because it feeds their soul, that is socially conscious and a good neighbor to their community, with a pastoral team filled with curiosity and the ability to claim what they know and what they don't know, and with a fresh perspective on the teachings of the Bible.

Am I asking too much? I don't know - I do know that it's something I haven't found yet.

I'm glad to be studying the Bible again, but with my 32 year old knowledge and critical thinking skills, it's just not the same as it used to be. I blindly accepted so much for so long, and I'm not capable of doing that.

I wanted to talk about something as simple as the Beatitudes today from the sermon on the mount, but in my research, I realized that Matthew's account of the sermon on the mount may have actually been the same as Luke's account of the sermon on the plain. Which one is right? What are the similarities and what are the differences?

I have a lot of research to do, and I'd really like to study in a formal theology program that has no agenda. I'm going to look into that, but realistically, that's not something I have time for immediately.

I will do my best studying the Bible each day, and trying to glean whatever insight I can.