Are you there, God? It's me, Kristen.

LOL

I'm destined for things beyond HR...I just know it.  ;-) 

I am 33 now, and being the late bloomer that I am, I'm getting closer to getting my life organized enough so that I can make an impact on this little earth...at least in the circles I travel within...  My life (and work) experiences have given me this really great skill set, and I want to use my powers for good.  LOL

I feel very unsettled right now.  I have so much going on, and I know that a lot of it (work and school) are necessary for survival (because I stupidly have 2 big mortgages), but the CD, documentary, and written works are kind of the key to me unlocking the next piece of what God has in store for me...I think...

I talk to God every day, and I ask God to allow people to see God through my life.  I want to share joy and God's love with the people I come into contact with.  I am most imperfect, but I don't think that excludes me from being a useful vessel of good, peace, change and love...

I don't know what to do about the worship portion of my life.  I'd like to start a bigger Bible study than the one I have going on now, but I don't have the time...I barely have the time to lead the small group we have going now....maybe finding a local church is the answer for now...we'll see.

The point is, I'm on it.  My eyes are open.  I want to grow.

May God's love be with you, and may we never use the name of God for harm.

3 months later...

I can't believe it's been almost 3 months since I updated this blog. The summer flew by, and I've been so busy with my CD, documentary, work, and other projects. If I try to do everything, I'll end up finishing nothing.

I was working on the inside cover for my CD this morning, and this is my first draft:

This project was a lifetime in the making...I'm not referring to the actual music, of course, but rather the journey that brought me here. Faith is a very powerful thing, but it can also ebb and flow throughout the different seasons of life. The more years I live, the more I get to know myself and my God. Gandhi made a sad and ironic observation when he said, "I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."

While I have had life experiences that have made me understand Gandhi's frame of reference, I have also been blessed to know people who do try to live their lives like Christ, as best as they can. I'm hoping to become one of those people, and I've recorded this CD to reclaim the faith of my youth that I have always held dear. My faith has evolved as I grow and learn, and while I know there will always be room for improvement, I'm find great peace and joy in the knowledge that God loves me and made me, Just As I Am.

We should not let our differences define us, but rather our similarities.

I don't know if it's too heavy for a CD cover...I want to be able to minister to people from different points along the faith spectrum, and I don't want to hit them over the head with my rhetoric. I feel like enough has been said to divide us. What can I say to unite us?

It may be harder to work toward unity than division, but I'm certain it's also more fruitful.

During my journey of faith these past few months, as I've interviewed people and learned more about the affect the church has had on the GLBT community, I've realized, once again, that if I want to live a life like Christ, I need to lead by example.

There are a lot of hurt feelings on each side of this issue. Convictions run as deep as the pain this division has caused, and what are we gaining? Nothing. If I wanted to take away from God and God's great work for us on earth, I too would try to use devisive issues to distract God's people away from the true work that needs to be accomplished.

We are working against ourselves. What are we accomplishing?

Someone I know from my childhood, but was never close with, posted on Facebook that she was disappointed in Vermont over the whole gay marriage thing. While I pondered whether or not it was the time for me to step in, several of her straight friends said people should be able to love who they want. She told them they were wrong, and it was truly going to be the breakdown of the American family if gays get married. They disagreed. I haven't decided if I'm going to comment yet, or what I'll say. Sometimes it's better to say nothing and let your message be carried out through the life you lead. Other times, you must speak up.

I really don't care if the majority of Christian's believe I'm sinning. I think the church needs salvation. There is more hatred coming from "God's" people than anywhere else. When and how did that happen? When did God's people decide they should pass judgement upon their neighbors, and try to control their lives, in God's name?

I haven't embraced my faith as much as I wanted to in my recent years. I have far more questions than answers. With all of my heart, I want to believe that the people who call themselves Christians, truly want to please God, even if that message is skewed. The more I see and hear, however, the harder it is for me to believe that.

Matthew 5:44 says we should love our enemies, and pray for those who persecute us. That's what I'm going to do.

My CD

I leave for Nashville in a week and a half, and I'm no where near prepared. As of this morning, I hadn't even booked my hotel or rental car, but I finally took care of that.

I don't have copyrights for the music yet, and it's easy to get the copyrights for the hymns and praise songs, but the contemporary christian artists' music I'm trying to record is a little bit more tricky. I probably won't have time to get authorization within the next 10 days, and I don't want to risk paying to record songs that I won't be able to use.

I'm thinking I may pick only hymns and praise songs that I can easily get copyrights for. As it is, as a gay artist, I don't know if any of the contemporary Christian artists would be okay with me recording their songs on a CD I want to promote within the GLBT community. It could get messy, and I don't think it's worth it.

Ultimately, I have to give some thought about why I'm creating this CD in the first place. I feel like the music I grew up singing my heart out too was taken from me at the same time it felt God and the church were taken from me - when I realized I was gay.

The songs that gave me chills to sing when I was younger didn't hold the same meaning for me when it seemed their roots were in the same spirit of intolerance as the rest of my religious ties. It was a depressing time for me when I came out.

God and the church had always meant so much - everything - to me, and I felt like I had to choose between living a lie or losing my faith which I held so dear. After years of studying and research and prayer and wisdom from people alike in my journey, I was able to reconcile my spirituality with my sexuality, but only to the extent that I felt as though God still loved me, and God created me and loved me just as I am.

I still felt, and still feel today to a lesser extent, that the people and the community of church that I grew up identifying with and feeling such a strong bond to would never again be part of my life. My church was my family, and it was if I had been cast out by my family, and I could never again feel the bond or the love that came from a place that meant so much to me.

God is one thing, but God's people are another...and if they practice intolerance and judgment and exclusion that leads people away from God, are they really God's people? I think it depends on the heart. I think that some people do things from a place of hatred, but most people act intolerant out of ignorance. It's not an excuse, but as someone who used to be one of those people, I know first hand how easy it is to make mistakes.

The GLBT community has made great inroads in so many areas, but the church is the last holdout to accept us for who we are. There are certainly some wonderful exceptions to the rule, but the exclusions and the intolerance from the Republican Right is all fueled from the pulpit.

Once bigotry is identified and accepted as bigotry, the only holdouts are the one's who think they have it on higher authority to remain bigoted, so they do not feel the pressure to listen to social pressures.

The church has used sections of the Bible to defend slavery, to defend segregation, oppose interracial marriage, and of course now, objecting to GLBT rights and same sex marriage. I've written about this before, but the truth is, the Bible has been used to evoke hatred, unfair judgment and out of context discrimination for centuries now.

Too many members of the GLBT community have chosen to live lives without a connection to God because they have been shut out. I believe that everyone should choose their own path in life and spirituality, but that choice should not be made for people.

For years I felt like I was less than the members of my family and church who looked down on me for being gay - or in their minds - choosing to live a life of sin. I remember when I could package all of life's big questions into neat little boxes and as long as I avoided opening my heart or mind up too much, I could convince myself I had all the answers.

So many religious people I have known have closed their minds and hearts. If they stray from their message or beliefs for one second, I wonder if they fear the whole structure will crumble? I really don't know. I know that I've learned to have an open mind and heart, and it was a huge transition for me, but it's been a very humbling experience. I try to see every side of a situation- even if I don't end up agreeing, I can usually learn something. Most of the times, the truth lies somewhere in between, and we can learn a lot from each other.

I don't feel shame anymore. I no longer let people treat me as though I'm a second class citizen. I'm out in every corner of my life. I'm out when I know it's unpopular. I'm out when I know I'll be judged. I'm not obnoxious about it - it truly is what it is.

It's not that big of a deal to be gay anymore. It's not a terrifying experience to come out for most people, and society is largely "over" the whole gay thing. All in all, we are accepted for who we are, and in 20 years, many of us will hardly remember a time when homophobia was accepted or tolerated. The churches will follow in line, and the healing will begin.

For now, I'm going to act as if. I was aligned with GLBT religious groups for so long because that was where I was accepted. I don't want to have to search out a special church no where near my home just because it has declared that it is GLBT friendly.

I appreciate that those churches are out there, but the work there is already done. I'd rather find a church that doesn't know it's GLBT friendly yet, and allow them to get to know me as a human and as a child of God, while I worship along side of them.

I'm not going to write new songs for this CD - I'm going to claim the songs that have had meaning for me in my life. I have every right to sing these songs, and to praise God through my music. If my CD can be an instrument of God's love to other members of the GLBT community, then that will be a wonderful result. If my CD can bring healing between GLBT people of faith and non-GLBT people of faith, fantastic.

We are God's Children too, and God loves me and made me Just as I am.

Losing people

There are there people in my life who passed away within the last few months, and each time, I never knew the last time I saw them was going to be the last time.

The first one was my dear grandmother. She'd fallen, and she was supposed to be fine. She was going to need rehab, but that wasn't uncommon in older people. I saw her at the hospital, and I told her I'd see her soon, but she suddenly had some major complications which left her brain dead. I saw her before her body's life ended, but she was already gone.

The next person was Carol's husband Walt. I knew he had cancer, but I had no idea it was as bad as it was. I would have liked to have said goodbye. Carol told me he was shouting "Noooo" as he was passing. He didn't want to leave yet.

The most recent person was Paul, Glen's dad. We knew he was on borrowed time, and we didn't know how much longer he had, but I remember the last time I saw him. He seemed fine. Ever since I'd known him, I knew that he had terminal cancer, but you'd just never know it.

I guess I don't know what someone who knows they are dying should look or act like. With Walt and Paul, they both knew but you'd just never know they knew...I don't think they would have done anything differently if they weren't dying.

So while a clear lesson here is that it's so important to value people when you see them, not taking anyone for granted, another lesson is the frailty of life. We are all going to die, and the world is going to keep on going, but what is going to happen to us?

Do we go to heaven? Do some people go to hell? Is there a heaven and hell?

There is a lot of conflicting information on these subjects. Some people will tell you that if you are a good person and do good things, you will go to heaven. I was raised believing that some of the best people on earth, who do the most good, will go to hell...but at the same time, some murderer can just say they are accepting Christ as their savior, and they will make it into heaven. Can that be?

Even the Bible can seem confusing on such an important topic. The theme seems to be, though, that we are all sinners, and God cannot be in the presence of sin. God sent Jesus to earth to pay the ultimate price for our sins, which was death and separation from God. Then he arose from the dead and was eventually reunited with God in heaven, and now if we believe in God, our sins can be forgiven and we can go to heaven.

What does believing in God mean, though? Do we just have to believe that God exists, and is on the right side of things? Other verses also seem to indicate that we have to admit we are sinners and that our sin separates us from God, but if we acknowledge this and accept the gift that Christ gave us by dying on the cross, we can receive the gift of eternal life.

What about the people who die, and who haven't accepted this gift? I like to think that during the tribulation, everyone will have a chance to choose God again. I need to do more research on that...I just can't imagine that God would create a place like hell, and that people would be banished to spend an eternity there over a misunderstanding or a technicality. Maybe my perception of God is off, but I hope not.

I definitely want to do more research, because I have a lot to learn. In the mean time, I will try to remember the frailty of life, and keep the perspective that this life on earth is so short - the decisions we make are very important, and I need to try to focus on the things that matter the most.

Songs selected

I've selected 16 songs for my CD. I need to narrow it down to 12, but that should be easy enough. Darcy convinced me to include a rap track from DC Talk on the end as a funny bonus track. I think it's a funny idea, but I'm going to do it. Why not -it's my CD after all! :) (And I'm totally a rap star.)

These songs really bring me back. I'm going to try to include "His Eye is on the Sparrow" if I can record a version that sounds good. It reminds me of a woman I knew in my church growing up. She met a lot of tragedy in her life. For some reason, those seem to be the people who have found peace (if they can rise above) - the people who have had the most difficult of lives.

I remember being at a funeral of one of her children who had passed away, and somehow she mustered up the courage and strength to sing that song.

Here are the lyrics from http://library.timelesstruths.org/music/His_Eye_Is_on_the_Sparrow/ :

Why should I feel discouraged, why should the shadows come,Why should my heart be lonely, and long for heav’n and home,When Jesus is my portion? My constant Friend is He:His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.
Refrain:I sing because I’m happy, I sing because I’m free,For His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.
“Let not your heart be troubled,” His tender word I hear,And resting on His goodness, I lose my doubts and fears;Though by the path He leadeth, but one step I may see;His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.
Whenever I am tempted, whenever clouds arise,When songs give place to sighing, when hope within me dies,I draw the closer to Him, from care He sets me free;His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

She sang the same song at her husband's funeral too.

This woman had the peace that passes all understanding.

Phil. 4:7 "And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall guard your hearts and your thoughts in Christ Jesus." (ASV)

The Bible often talks about how relying upon God will bring you peace, and how there is no need to worry, and it is so very true.

If we are able to get beyond ourselves, and realize the much greater plan, the things we worry about all seem inconsequential. Even death is nothing to fear if you believe the message in the Bible.

This woman I knew had accepted that...all of that...and she had peace in the most troubling of times...and she shared her peace with those of us who hadn't (and still haven't) quite reached her level of wisdom and understanding, showing us what true peace and faith looks like.

Garbage In, Garbage Out

I used this title to blog about choices of foods I put in my body, and I had to note the importance of the concept as it translates to spiritual health as well. If we are constantly consuming garbage into our hearts, minds and souls, we are just going to produce garbage as well.

Philippians 4:8
Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

It is hard to monitor the amount of garbage we allow into our lives in 2009. There are so many television shows that just focus on the depravity of humanity and expose the underbelly of the world, and they are our hit TV shows in many cases. I used to be addicted to many shows about crime, but I've been moving away from them. I can't believe they are a healthy brain diet for me.

I've stopped watching all 3 CSIs and all 3 Law and Orders, but I still watch Criminal Minds, Numb3rs and the Mentalist. Numb3rs and the Mentalist have a much more positive spin than the others, but they are still based around death, angst and crime. Even in a more innocuous packaging, a duck is still a duck.

Then there's music. I generally listen to upbeat music, but that's not to say I don't get sucked in when Carrie Underwood sings about destroying her unfaithful lover's truck or when an angst ridden rock star hopes to give hell to the woman who left him. Honestly, as I belt out those songs in my car, they don't leave me feeling dark or cynical - they actually feel upbeat to me, but could their overall message be sinking into my psyche? Maybe.

What about the people in our life who prompt us to negativity? There are plenty of those around, and it's just so easy to fall into that trap. Sometimes I'm the one who gossips or starts the negative conversations too. I catch myself, and I know I'm doing something wrong, and I feel bad about myself. I should.

It's so easy for us to spread garbage, but we should really be spreading light and joy. I have tried to spread light and joy in my life, but I know I can do MUCH better. As I mentioned in my Choosing Joy blog, I'm ordering red rubber bracelets with the phrase "Garbage In, Garbage Out" on it. I want it to serve as a reminder to me that if I want to produce light, and joy and healthiness from myself, I need a steady diet of light, joy and health.

More questions than answers

I haven't truly studied the Bible in my adult life. The exception is when I was 19 or 20, and first coming to terms with being gay, and I dove into many books and lots of research that helped me reconcile my spirituality with my sexuality.

Once I began to understand how passages of scripture that were originally intended to teach against pederasty were twisted by people and prejudice to condemn homosexuality, I realized that I could no longer take any of the Bible for granted. I learned more and more about the hand the church has played in extending it's own agenda through translations and interpretations of the Bible over time.

I think that realization really overwhelmed me. At first, I decided I was going to enter a divinity degree program, and I took many steps in that direction, but I ended up switching gears. I lead a Bible study at the time, and I really enjoyed it. I attended a GLBT church in Boston, and that church was critical in my journey to reclaiming my relationship with Christ.

Eventually, what I needed from a church changed, and I realized for my continued growth, I wanted to find a church that was GLBT friendly, but not GLBT driven. That has proven to be quite a challenge, and it's complicated by the fact that I don't really know what I want in a church right now.

I can visit a church and realize what I don't want, but what I want is an entirely different challenge. I think what I would like is a church that has a great music program, that is relevant to today without trying to be like MTV, filled with genuine people who are not there out of obligation or habit, but because it feeds their soul, that is socially conscious and a good neighbor to their community, with a pastoral team filled with curiosity and the ability to claim what they know and what they don't know, and with a fresh perspective on the teachings of the Bible.

Am I asking too much? I don't know - I do know that it's something I haven't found yet.

I'm glad to be studying the Bible again, but with my 32 year old knowledge and critical thinking skills, it's just not the same as it used to be. I blindly accepted so much for so long, and I'm not capable of doing that.

I wanted to talk about something as simple as the Beatitudes today from the sermon on the mount, but in my research, I realized that Matthew's account of the sermon on the mount may have actually been the same as Luke's account of the sermon on the plain. Which one is right? What are the similarities and what are the differences?

I have a lot of research to do, and I'd really like to study in a formal theology program that has no agenda. I'm going to look into that, but realistically, that's not something I have time for immediately.

I will do my best studying the Bible each day, and trying to glean whatever insight I can.