My CD

I leave for Nashville in a week and a half, and I'm no where near prepared. As of this morning, I hadn't even booked my hotel or rental car, but I finally took care of that.

I don't have copyrights for the music yet, and it's easy to get the copyrights for the hymns and praise songs, but the contemporary christian artists' music I'm trying to record is a little bit more tricky. I probably won't have time to get authorization within the next 10 days, and I don't want to risk paying to record songs that I won't be able to use.

I'm thinking I may pick only hymns and praise songs that I can easily get copyrights for. As it is, as a gay artist, I don't know if any of the contemporary Christian artists would be okay with me recording their songs on a CD I want to promote within the GLBT community. It could get messy, and I don't think it's worth it.

Ultimately, I have to give some thought about why I'm creating this CD in the first place. I feel like the music I grew up singing my heart out too was taken from me at the same time it felt God and the church were taken from me - when I realized I was gay.

The songs that gave me chills to sing when I was younger didn't hold the same meaning for me when it seemed their roots were in the same spirit of intolerance as the rest of my religious ties. It was a depressing time for me when I came out.

God and the church had always meant so much - everything - to me, and I felt like I had to choose between living a lie or losing my faith which I held so dear. After years of studying and research and prayer and wisdom from people alike in my journey, I was able to reconcile my spirituality with my sexuality, but only to the extent that I felt as though God still loved me, and God created me and loved me just as I am.

I still felt, and still feel today to a lesser extent, that the people and the community of church that I grew up identifying with and feeling such a strong bond to would never again be part of my life. My church was my family, and it was if I had been cast out by my family, and I could never again feel the bond or the love that came from a place that meant so much to me.

God is one thing, but God's people are another...and if they practice intolerance and judgment and exclusion that leads people away from God, are they really God's people? I think it depends on the heart. I think that some people do things from a place of hatred, but most people act intolerant out of ignorance. It's not an excuse, but as someone who used to be one of those people, I know first hand how easy it is to make mistakes.

The GLBT community has made great inroads in so many areas, but the church is the last holdout to accept us for who we are. There are certainly some wonderful exceptions to the rule, but the exclusions and the intolerance from the Republican Right is all fueled from the pulpit.

Once bigotry is identified and accepted as bigotry, the only holdouts are the one's who think they have it on higher authority to remain bigoted, so they do not feel the pressure to listen to social pressures.

The church has used sections of the Bible to defend slavery, to defend segregation, oppose interracial marriage, and of course now, objecting to GLBT rights and same sex marriage. I've written about this before, but the truth is, the Bible has been used to evoke hatred, unfair judgment and out of context discrimination for centuries now.

Too many members of the GLBT community have chosen to live lives without a connection to God because they have been shut out. I believe that everyone should choose their own path in life and spirituality, but that choice should not be made for people.

For years I felt like I was less than the members of my family and church who looked down on me for being gay - or in their minds - choosing to live a life of sin. I remember when I could package all of life's big questions into neat little boxes and as long as I avoided opening my heart or mind up too much, I could convince myself I had all the answers.

So many religious people I have known have closed their minds and hearts. If they stray from their message or beliefs for one second, I wonder if they fear the whole structure will crumble? I really don't know. I know that I've learned to have an open mind and heart, and it was a huge transition for me, but it's been a very humbling experience. I try to see every side of a situation- even if I don't end up agreeing, I can usually learn something. Most of the times, the truth lies somewhere in between, and we can learn a lot from each other.

I don't feel shame anymore. I no longer let people treat me as though I'm a second class citizen. I'm out in every corner of my life. I'm out when I know it's unpopular. I'm out when I know I'll be judged. I'm not obnoxious about it - it truly is what it is.

It's not that big of a deal to be gay anymore. It's not a terrifying experience to come out for most people, and society is largely "over" the whole gay thing. All in all, we are accepted for who we are, and in 20 years, many of us will hardly remember a time when homophobia was accepted or tolerated. The churches will follow in line, and the healing will begin.

For now, I'm going to act as if. I was aligned with GLBT religious groups for so long because that was where I was accepted. I don't want to have to search out a special church no where near my home just because it has declared that it is GLBT friendly.

I appreciate that those churches are out there, but the work there is already done. I'd rather find a church that doesn't know it's GLBT friendly yet, and allow them to get to know me as a human and as a child of God, while I worship along side of them.

I'm not going to write new songs for this CD - I'm going to claim the songs that have had meaning for me in my life. I have every right to sing these songs, and to praise God through my music. If my CD can be an instrument of God's love to other members of the GLBT community, then that will be a wonderful result. If my CD can bring healing between GLBT people of faith and non-GLBT people of faith, fantastic.

We are God's Children too, and God loves me and made me Just as I am.